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Autumn Blues

November 5, 2009

As I’ve no doubt said before, I’m fairly sure (as in 98% certain) that I suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder or SAD. That means–for me–that when autumn rolls around, I enjoy perhaps a week or two of it before depression begins to settle in. The world around me seems to be dying: I grow pessimistic and easily stressed – if the world was dying, what use would I be? It’s been especially worse this year–I’ve felt incredibly low since mid-to-late September, and this has only been increased by the pressure of college.

This year, college is incredibly important. If I do bad, I can’t go to university – simple as that. And whilst I can think (especially around others) that, no, I won’t fail, when I’m on my own and all I have to pass the time is my own thoughts… well. Let’s just say, Facebook has seen a few recent furious-depressed bursts in my status lately.

I think that I can actually mark the beginning of my downward spiral toward deepening depression as the autumn equinox. I planned to make positive contact with Persephone in her journey, to libate for her and to offer incense and food offerings in her name – and I was basically “told” that I should back off and learn more about her before I disrespected her with my disrespect. Needless to say, I backed off pretty damned quickly, and submerged myself in reading everything I could. (I’ve not done a “proper” ritual since then, for the record – all I’ve done is light incense, create, & offer a single libation of wine, once.)

Where I live, it’s almost constantly grey. Even in summer. You’re lucky if you get maybe two months of sunshine–throughout the year–and I don’t know how much more I can cope. Thankfully, I *should* be moving at the end of college (aka, this year) – unless, of course, I fail. But if I don’t fail, I’ll be moving back to a part of England where you actually get blue skies. That should help, at the least.

I’m also planning–eventually–on making an appointment with the doctor about seeing what is actually up with me. It could just be stress from college (unlikely, since it happens every year – but especially this year), or my age, or… I don’t know. I think it’s SAD, but I’m not a qualified professional, so obviously I couldn’t ever be one hundred percent certain.

Until then (and after then, of course), I’ll be trying to restart my somewhat slacking relationship with the gods (who do not appreciate my idleness, depression or no depression) and I’ll also be reading again. I’ve not read since roughly the time of the autumn equinox, too – and no doubt that’s affecting me, as I love to read, but I simply can’t. I spent last week in child-land, playing games such as Pokemon and generally relaxing, but if I want to remain not disliked by my gods, that can’t be all I do. Work & childishness do not cultivate a good relationship with the gods. ;)

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